Diving out of dreams.

*Edit*

4.58 a.m.

Kristin Chenoweth. (:

Still scared.

Tick...ed.

It's no surprise sleep won't yell for me.

4.14 a.m.

You're welcome.

No flavoured touch.

Just,

"Hey Addy, ..."

It scares me.

Um...

Last Wednesday I was in the kitchen having dinner by myself. I saw a young sandfly flipping over and over, attempting to regain its balance from falling on its back. Steady as it was, I think it tried to fly but one of its wings appeared to be disproportionate. Didn’t realize I had stopped chewing and that my spoon was empty where the next portion of rice was due. I looked up from the piece of silverware in time to see the sandfly shoot horizontally across the table a centimeter airborne and failed to get any higher. It like, fell in gravity’s favour...

Down.

I remember my leg muscles carrying me round to that side of the table. I’m not even sure if I had it in my intentions to break its fall. I only remember crouching down to search for the creature, but saw no sign of it.

Where are you?

Somehow, I felt an instant tug at the strings of my heart.

I hope you survived, dear sandfly.

"Yeah, it fits..."

It’s unsettling how someone for once, shares the same logic as mine. Shouldn’t I be pleased that someone else understands why I stick to a theory like that? Apparently no, not the case.

Perhaps being addressed this way by anybody other than myself can crush my resolve like how mama’s clay set can crush chili into paste.

Am not liking any bit of it.

Am anxious. And nervous.

When will insecurity pass me by... tsk.

The dream confirmed my worst fears, as if i needed that.

Pretty colours in my blog's new layout ! (:

(:

#4 Snow Moments

No, not too lazy to re-type. I just felt it would be slightly more personal and honest, coming right out on impulse when I relayed those words above earlier today.

(: Just grin lah.

Slothful

Dear Internet-Connection,

I am writing to you in sheer hopes that you could do something about yourself. You see, I am facing trouble accessing you. Your child, Websites, solidly refuses to assist me even in times of grave need. All it offers are blank responses and the 'loading...' sign. I do not see how the 'loading' sign may help me for it never directs me to my desired destinations. As a kid, I think Websites' behaviour should be better polished and as a parent, you are clearly not setting your responsibilities straight. You are too slow for my good, you get me lost midway while I travel on Assignments. Even when I need to catch a break, my journey is often jammed up so I end up sitting at home, miserable. Here are my proposals:

1. For you to buck up before I end up crashing into Work's walls.

2. For you to discipline Websites to constantly offer the 'green' sign instead.

3. For you to run alongside me as I move from Assignments to Presentations.

4. For you to remove all hindrances as I try to enter Google and YouTube.

Looking forward to your speedy makeover.

Yours sincerely,

Lost User.

Swagger

I realized, for the length of time blogging extends the width of my lists of things to do, I have, in more than enough occasions, used the line '... will post about ... soon.'

Soon. Ooh, soooon. Procrastination reigns... By the way, I had an affinity for the word 'procrastination' once, but it became overused. Everyone speaks of it. Daily; I hear the word daily. It punches a hole in my usually-not-so-raw nerve. Why, because not everyone who uses it, means it.

Speaking of nerves I do not have nerves of steel, sadly. Probably why I jumbled up my points during the small classroom debate we had two weeks ago. Oh my gawd, yes I had the belittling chance to be erm, first speaker ! It was strange, I was talking and talking, then pausing then talking, then feeling like a bozo, then basking in a little bit of glory when I asked them listeners, 'I mean, how many of you would actually discuss sex with your parents?' and only two individuals raised their hands proving my team's proposition for 'Sex Education Should Be Introduced In Primary, Secondary, and Tertiary Levels' was being supported. Hah, take that opposing team ! Why am I feeling so gleeful ): I couldn't even stand on two feet without feeling like agar-agar. How la to become President one day?

Okay okay before your mind conjures up impossible possibilities (ngeeee), I DO NOT want to become president or rule anything even close to a small district - in the near future. That would be utterly preposterous, heck. What I meant was, how to become a confident adult when I'm older? As it is, I scorn myself for being so shy all the time.

And I have no idea what led me to discuss about adulthood. Oh feel the jitters, this year I turn 18... Ay. Correction: turned 18. To some, one eight is not a gigantesque figure, so please don't take offense (: But clearly, it is to me. I don't feel like it. Mum says I'm occasionally like a fifty-year-old though, hmmm can I grant that as a consent slip to enter Grownups Incorporation? For real?

So while I get all concerned about aging, my primary message in this post would be:

"I badly want to write about how my unexpectedly lovely birthday went, but not until I can load the few photos into my laptop. Mum decided that the cable was not inclusive when she borrowed the camera."

And that much-anticipated birthday post, my friends, will obviously have 'age' written all over itself too.

So, I know not many of you know of this blog (because I murdered it in January), but for those of you who do, what are your views on the above debate topic?

'Sex Education Should Be Introduced In Primary, Secondary, and Tertiary Levels'.

Doesn't matter if you agree or disagree, in fact Isaac made one hell of an impressive stand when he was rebutting all our points. (:

Oh. Another word I always use, come to think of it, is 'time'.

I'm morbid, it's infernal.

Don't wanna miss a thing.

#3 Snow Moments-ish

*Edited*

The first half of today was... a miracle. Fairy-tale-like.

The second half? Reading Blue's latest post today tipped over my limit. That's as much as I allow myself to say.

I can actually feel emptiness and surges of numbing pulses.

If only I could express myself well in person.

I'd sincerely convince them that my support for them is undying. Then I'd proceed to confessing how much of sun-shining days I have experienced in four to five months with them, almost equivalent to... well. How I feel a proper sense of belonging around them. Their priceless value in my existence.

A group of four may only be considered a group when all four are present.

It will not be the same.

On a happier note, I will write about the first-half of today soon.

Every moment spent with you, is a moment I treasure... Forever, and ever, and ever. Aerosmith

'...in a snow-covered field, someday'.

#2 Snow Moments

Blue just made me cry. I'll never admit that I did, all I said in reply was 'You made me tear up'.

And I just cannot stop this niagara of melancholy.

Maybe I don't want to.

At least then I'd still possess some sort of physical connection to both blue and red. A connection I want enveloped all around me, a tie with a permanent knot, a ribbon unable to fray...

For as long as I have lived, I have gathered that life equates to impermanence.

Attachment is sinful. But I am already attached.

'The only constant in life is change.'

I will miss my snowmen. Terribly.

Take a huge stab at it.

I couldn't attend Honours Day.

But it's an event that should steal a precious spot in one's diary.

I mean, it managed to steal a spot in The Star.

So...

27th April 2010

Taylor's Lakeside Campus

Remember that day.

Remember why I'm here.

Telos. Achieve it. (: I will.

I smell... sulfur.

Art of talking.

Jay Lyn's signature 'No lah' is stuck in my head.

Odd.

'Nouuuuuw lah'.

Cougars.

Two snowmen who insist my head is bigger than my waist.

My waist is, officially, a BLACK HOLE.

It sucks everything in, apparently.

At least that makes me special. (x

Isaac: *Moves behind me and bends slightly to measure my waist*

Them chilling at the front corner: ISAAC WHAT ARE YOU DOING? *laughter* bunch of sickos.

Isaac: *laughs* No no, nothing la. See lah ! Okay, 22 cm. *waves ruler enthusiastically*

Isaac: *Holds a ruler across my forehead*

Wei Peng: Isaac, what you doing?

Isaac: Measuring her head lah. HAH ! Twenty-six cm !!! T-WENT-Y-SIX CM ! *waves ruler more enthusiastically*

James: *Outburst of laughter*

Me: That's not even true !! *Turns to Wei Peng and Haari* Is my head bigger than my waist???

Haari: YES.

Wei Peng: *proceeds to laughing*

Screw you.

(:

Cougar-hunting boy is leaving ):